Unseen Selfishness

There are many people who could make lists of issues that are caused by selfishness.  Greed, war, fights, and so on. The reality is there are far too many things to be able to write (or read) in a sitting or even in a day.  But I wanted to focus on relational issues that arise from selfishness, ones that we may not even be aware are rooted in it.

Here is the scenario, one spouse has a bad day, a tough time in traffic, problems with the computer, can't get the remote control to work, you name it.  In their frustration, they blurt out to the other spouse in a tone that they themselves aren't even aware they are using. They're not necessarily upset with you, although it may sure feel like it. They may just be upset in general.

Let me get specific (just for clarification, Jamie has given me approval to share the following information).  Jamie is trying to do something on the computer and after spending an hour or longer, the computer decides to lock up or do a data dump and reboot itself.  All that time and effort is right now seeming to have been a big waste of time.  And even worse, everything is going to have to be redone and so she is not only starting over again from scratch, she is starting over being an hour or so behind.  Incredibly disappointed and understandably frustrated, she calls for me, the in-house IT specialist, to fix the computer so she can start the arduous task of recreating all that was lost.  Being in this heightened emotional state, the way she requests my assistance lacks some of the politeness or pleasantries that she normally may use to request it.  [prior elaboration removed by Jamie's request ..and my own well being :-)]

Now, being the sensitive, understanding, and mature individual that I am, I am able to understand her dilemma and hear the pain and emotional strife she is experiencing and swoop in to be able to rescue her from this tragic situation. 

Yeah.....that would be nice.  Here I sit with the opportunity to share the abundant love and overwhelming grace that I have and continue to be shown time and again.  But once again, I fail to take advantage of this opportunity and show my wife God's love and God's provision through His hands and feet here on earth.

What do I really do instead?  I think, "I don't deserve to be talked to like that?!  What did I do to her?  Why is she yelling at me?  She's not going to get away with that!"  And then my actions and words follow from my thoughts.

Why?

Why do I miss the opportunity to build a stronger relationship and allow my wife to have a deeper trust in me?

Selfishness.  Plain and simple.  There's really not more I can say.  Sure, I may try to rationalize that there needs to be boundaries and people should not let other people run over them or verbally abuse them, but that example couldn't be furthest from this case.  Jamie was in a position of need and instead of stepping up, I decided to let my pride and selfishness step in and I failed her.  I thought about what I did or didn't deserve with how she should or should not talk to me.  That kind of thinking blinded me to the fact that she wasn't talking to me in any particular way.  She was frustrated and hurt and in need of rescuing and being shown grace. She was also in need of a loving provider. I had the chance to be the hero and instead I chose selfishness.  If I let my selfishness get out of the way and not color what I wanted, I would have heard what she was really saying and not necessarily how she was saying it.  Instead, I hurt the one I love most dear in her time of frustration.  I snapped and lashed out and put another brick in a wall that we both diligently and intentionally work to tear down.

So the next time your loved one is in a time of stress and frustration and speaks in a way that may not be the best, take a second and consider their situation and what your true desires are.  Do you want to love and build your spouse up and be that safe soft place where they can turn to and fall on in times of need and crisis?  Or do you want to be like everyone else who is reactionary and thinks of their own needs first?  Maybe you didn't even know that was going on and you have blown it (just like I have....many, many times).  It's not too late.  Ask for forgiveness from the one you hurt and the One you hurt, then give that potential stronghold of selfishness to God to breakdown.  And when the opportunity once again presents itself, and trust me it will, see what it feels like to give selflessly.  I guarantee that it's worth it.  If not in that particular  moment, then to one day be able to hear, "Well done good and faithful one."

Priorities

My husband Chris and I both have a huge heart for marriages and an even bigger heart for families. This first post will speak mainly to those married with children but the lesson is still equally valuable to those without. Have you ever been on a airplane and received instructions from the flight attendant? You know the one,
" Ladies and gentlemen, or those flying with small children, in the event of an emergency please place your own oxygen mask on first before assisting your children ". I know, this sounds a bit selfish or maybe even backwards, but it's not. There is a purpose behind it, in fact, a very good one. You see, we would be of no use whatsoever to our children if we ourselves could not breathe. I know I'm almost rendered useless after I've walked a couple flights of stairs much less without any oxygen at all!

Our marriages work the same way. In order to have a succesful family, we have to focus on our marriage first and foremost, even before the kids. Go with me for a minute, imagine on that plane if you took your child's oxygen mask and put it on them and then proceeded to hyperventilate or faint in front of your child because you didn't have the time or ability to get your own on. What would your child's reaction be? Would it be one of peace and calmness? Probably not. But now, imagine your child being the one hyperventilating while you took care of your mask but then placed the mask on your child so they could breathe once again. Peace would be restored. These are the same priorities we need in our marriages. The best gift you can give your child is the gift of prioritizing their mother or father first. Your kids will be much more at peace when they know mom and dad are breathing. Sure, they may struggle for a little bit while everyone's trying to catch their breath but when they see that their parents are ok they will soon follow suit. For your children and for a succesful marriage, your spouse must come first in the dynamics of your family and your marriage must be a priority. If you want to meet the needs of your children then be willing to do what it takes to meet the needs of your marriage. Don't just give in to the lack of oxygen. Fight for it, find that oxygen mask whether it's in a counselor's office, a pastor's office or elsewhere. Make the decision today that scrambling around not breathing is no longer an option.

So, are you ready to put some new oxygen back in your marriage?

Happily married...take the time to remind your spouse how valuable they are to you. Let them know that your relationship is a priority to you. Thank God for blessing your marriage with a partnership.

Headed for trouble... Catch your breath. Wait to re-act, take time to pray for your marriage. Ask God where you may be missing the mark with your priorities. Dig in your heels and be willing to do all that it takes.


Until next time, be blessed, be fully loved by the Lord and intentionally re-align your priorities!

Selfishness is Supreme and Another Family Dies. The Backlash of Pursuing Happiness.

I deeply appreciate Switchfoot's sentiment in their song titled Happy is a Yuppie Word. Not what you would call an uplifting song, but the message throughout the song holds true. This chasing after the concept of happiness is really something that was popularized in the 60's and 70's and used as a marketing tool in the 80's with the Yuppies. It is a fruitless and fleeting pursuit that does hurt the people around you, despite what the selfish promotion would claim.

I have a friend of a friend of a friend who's family is being destroyed today. Not trying to assume I understand the circumstances leading up to where they are today, but I can guarantee you, it is this prevailing ideal of happiness played a huge part in it. Happiness depends on circumstances and external events... things that are not dependable and strangely, remove any personal responsibility and accountability for one's self.

Without revealing too much, the mother wasn't getting what she wanted from her husband, reconnected with an old boyfriend, and decided the old boyfriend would give her what she wanted better than her husband. How they had reconnected and the dangers and pitfalls associated with social networking sites are great topics for a different post. What really matters is this mother is taking her children, uprooting them from the life they have had for the past few years, the friends they made, and most importantly their father. She is taking them to another state to live with her and the new boyfriend (who incidentally is leaving his family as well).

The thought process of this mother is along the lines of "it is my time to be happy" and that "the children would want her to be happy". So basically, theses children who have already been doing poorly at school and having personal difficulties because they know there are problems with their parents, have been stressed and other issues. Now these children are supposed to take upon themselves adult issues and perspectives. So the children are expected to desire more for the parent than the parent is to desire for their children. Isn't that backwards? Isn't that expecting the child to have maturity beyond their years? And the parent relinquishes their maturity and responsibility.

I thought that once you have a child, your job is to provide for that child at least for the first 18 years. The adult's responsibility is to that child and to the child's well being, physically and emotionally. When did that change?!? At what point did the parent no longer need to put their child first? The child did not ask to take on that position. You may say, neither do all parent's ask to take on that responsibility. The problem with that kind of thinking is that the parent's decisions resulted in a consequence. You cannot always choice your consequence, but you certainly are aware of the chance of pregnancy being possible when you engage in certain behaviors. So let's not once again play the victim but instead this time step up and accept our responsibilities like big people are supposed to do.

Please don't hear what I am not saying. I am not saying that we cannot be happy. On the contrary, Christians are supposed to be filled with joy. Joy is outside of circumstances and is about accepting personal responsibility. Joy is about choosing your outlook on a given situation. Joy is maintaining proper perspective and seeing the good and hope in a situation. Sure, you can be happy as well because the circumstances allow. But be happy because of the contentment you have in what you have and what God provides. Don't go around expecting other people and the next great thing to make you happy. Don't relinquish your responsibilities and your control to others. Don't chase after the illusive rainbow that moves as you move. Life takes work, but the rewards are worth it.

So put your trust in God and His promises. He is faithful and He will not let you down. His Word gives us the secrets to this thing called life. And it only makes sense.... He created the game, so His rules are going to be the ones that work best. Put other people first. Put other's needs ahead of your own, knowing that God will reward your efforts. What you will find out is what so many before you have found out, you will have joy and peace and contentment and know a love more satisfying than anything you have known on this earth. Chase after what truly fulfills and never fails.

And most importantly, if you are finding yourself heading down a path you never thought you would be on, open your eyes to all who are truly affected by your decisions. Pray for perspective, seek sound Godly counsel, and mirror your decisions as closely as you can to the sound and proven principles of life. And then step up, accept your choices and responsibility, and make the changes inside yourself needed to benefit the ones around you. Despite what you may be thinking now, you will get more than you ever hoped for in return.