Unseen Selfishness

There are many people who could make lists of issues that are caused by selfishness.  Greed, war, fights, and so on. The reality is there are far too many things to be able to write (or read) in a sitting or even in a day.  But I wanted to focus on relational issues that arise from selfishness, ones that we may not even be aware are rooted in it.

Here is the scenario, one spouse has a bad day, a tough time in traffic, problems with the computer, can't get the remote control to work, you name it.  In their frustration, they blurt out to the other spouse in a tone that they themselves aren't even aware they are using. They're not necessarily upset with you, although it may sure feel like it. They may just be upset in general.

Let me get specific (just for clarification, Jamie has given me approval to share the following information).  Jamie is trying to do something on the computer and after spending an hour or longer, the computer decides to lock up or do a data dump and reboot itself.  All that time and effort is right now seeming to have been a big waste of time.  And even worse, everything is going to have to be redone and so she is not only starting over again from scratch, she is starting over being an hour or so behind.  Incredibly disappointed and understandably frustrated, she calls for me, the in-house IT specialist, to fix the computer so she can start the arduous task of recreating all that was lost.  Being in this heightened emotional state, the way she requests my assistance lacks some of the politeness or pleasantries that she normally may use to request it.  [prior elaboration removed by Jamie's request ..and my own well being :-)]

Now, being the sensitive, understanding, and mature individual that I am, I am able to understand her dilemma and hear the pain and emotional strife she is experiencing and swoop in to be able to rescue her from this tragic situation. 

Yeah.....that would be nice.  Here I sit with the opportunity to share the abundant love and overwhelming grace that I have and continue to be shown time and again.  But once again, I fail to take advantage of this opportunity and show my wife God's love and God's provision through His hands and feet here on earth.

What do I really do instead?  I think, "I don't deserve to be talked to like that?!  What did I do to her?  Why is she yelling at me?  She's not going to get away with that!"  And then my actions and words follow from my thoughts.

Why?

Why do I miss the opportunity to build a stronger relationship and allow my wife to have a deeper trust in me?

Selfishness.  Plain and simple.  There's really not more I can say.  Sure, I may try to rationalize that there needs to be boundaries and people should not let other people run over them or verbally abuse them, but that example couldn't be furthest from this case.  Jamie was in a position of need and instead of stepping up, I decided to let my pride and selfishness step in and I failed her.  I thought about what I did or didn't deserve with how she should or should not talk to me.  That kind of thinking blinded me to the fact that she wasn't talking to me in any particular way.  She was frustrated and hurt and in need of rescuing and being shown grace. She was also in need of a loving provider. I had the chance to be the hero and instead I chose selfishness.  If I let my selfishness get out of the way and not color what I wanted, I would have heard what she was really saying and not necessarily how she was saying it.  Instead, I hurt the one I love most dear in her time of frustration.  I snapped and lashed out and put another brick in a wall that we both diligently and intentionally work to tear down.

So the next time your loved one is in a time of stress and frustration and speaks in a way that may not be the best, take a second and consider their situation and what your true desires are.  Do you want to love and build your spouse up and be that safe soft place where they can turn to and fall on in times of need and crisis?  Or do you want to be like everyone else who is reactionary and thinks of their own needs first?  Maybe you didn't even know that was going on and you have blown it (just like I have....many, many times).  It's not too late.  Ask for forgiveness from the one you hurt and the One you hurt, then give that potential stronghold of selfishness to God to breakdown.  And when the opportunity once again presents itself, and trust me it will, see what it feels like to give selflessly.  I guarantee that it's worth it.  If not in that particular  moment, then to one day be able to hear, "Well done good and faithful one."